the moment(s) i knew

For our fourth date, Brian and I had dinner at Red Rock Brewery, followed by a late showing (on opening night) of The Dark Knight*. Even before we made it to the movie, I knew he was The One. I was 98% sure as we walked from his truck to the bar when a snarky, off-handed comment flew out of my mouth and he laughed harder than I'd heard him laugh to that point. I thought, 'OK, I can completely be myself around him and he thinks I'm genuinely funny.' The remaining 2% clicked into place as we drove by Pioneer Park on our way to The Gateway. We were stopped at a light and watched a pedestrian do questionable things to parts of their body. We turned to each other, shocked into silence and then we broke into uncontrollable laughter. That moment is still something we reference and laugh about today.

*I have the ticket stubs from every single movie we've been to together, except the stubs to this movie. I don't know why that's important.

Edited to add: I found out early this morning that Brian has the missing ticket stubs. I can't tell you how much I love that. If it's at all possible, I think that makes me love him even more.

file under miscellany

I miss his contented sigh when I rub the back of his neck.

I'm currently reading I Love a Man in Uniform by Lily Burana. I, too, love a man in uniform and I find myself nodding and crying along with her. While there are differences (Army vs. Air Force, her husband is an officer and Brian's an NCO), there are some real connections for me. Marrying into the military is really marrying into an entirely different culture with it's own set of rules, expectations, protocols, language and stories. I am so excited to become Brian's wife, to promise the rest of my life to him, however, there are moments when I wonder if I'll fit into this community I'm joining.

We have 60 days to go. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

I actually uttered these words today: I have too many shoes. The floor of the bedroom closet has disappeared under layers of ballet flats, sandals and flip flops. My winter boots and shoes have already been packed up and taken to our storage unit in multiple boxes. I have no idea how many boxes the shoes still left in our apartment will fill.

Does anyone have a favorite eatery or thing to do in Chicago? Please pass it along...

I'm LOVING the mild summer we're having this year. After several consecutive July's of 100+ degree temperatures, our mid-80s to mid-90s days are awesome! It's actually pleasant to eat lunch outside and walk at the park right after work. Loving it!

up too late

No woman over the age of, oh, 12, should wear pigtails.

Two-hour naps on Friday afternoons are delicious.

Grasshoppers in our apartment are maddening.

When I wake up, Brian and I will have less than two months to go. Can you believe it?!

additionally...

The trailer for the movie The Hurt Locker leaves me feeling conflicted, and here's why:

On one hand, Brian is EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal [Bomb Squad]) and I know that versions of things that happen in the movie happened to HIM. I'm incredibly proud of (and turned on by) what he does, and why wouldn't I want to seem the movie?

On the other VERY FAR AWAY HAND, the thought of versions of things that happen in the movie happening to him before we met MAKESMELOSEMYMIND. According to him, the movie has been hollywoodified and overly dramatized, but to me, a civilian who's most dangerous activity involves the paper cutter in the office, it's real enough and SCARY AS SHIT.

There is a teeny tiny, sick part of me that wants to watch the movie alone so the suspense and drama isn't tainted, but that plan may very well keep me awake until Brian's return in September. Ideally, we'll watch it together - at home - so he can explain things to me.

So are any of you going to go see it?

three things that aren't related at all

I won't be having the sweet and spicy chicken at Wendy's EVER.AGAIN. My insides can't take it.

After more than a decade on the same birth control pill, the drug manufacturer, in all it's wisdom, changed the formula and completely jacked up my life. And happy coincidence, it happened at the same time Brian left. For the first month, I thought the reason I felt "off" every waking second was because of his absence. But after four months of odd things happening to my body, I finally called my doctor to ask for a new pill. Before I could even finish asking, she was writing a new prescription; apparently nearly 75% of her patients on the old pill had reported the same issues. I've been on my new pill for five days now and HOLY MOTHER I'm feeling better. Oh how I love drugs!

We're just shy of two months left. OMG!

fat guy in a little car

found: perfect dress

I found my dress today. In the first store. It was the fifth cocktail dress I tried on. And it's perfect. It accentuates my best assets (decolletage and small waist). It flaunts my hourglass shape. And that's all I'm going to say about it.

add this to the list...

...of things I shouldn't be doing: spend an hour searching for and watching YouTube videos of soldiers coming home.

tick, tick, tick

Slowly but surely, we're making our way to the finish line. Like I mentioned in a previous post, we've crossed the half-way point, and to celebrate, Brian sent me this:I LOVE her. Even more than that, I love that Brian knew I would and sent it, misleading me by saying that my surprise present was coming from Amazon.com.

Our lives here in SLC are slowly winding down and our life in Virginia is inching ever closer. Brian has mapped out our route for the cross-country drive, including many scenic stops along the way. We're making many lists: lists of what we'll bring along with us in the truck, lists of what is being packed in which boxes, lists of things to still be done. I've finished our bridal registry. We've booked a date for our reception/going away party. I'm dress shopping on Monday, and will continue to pack up the apartment. We're about to finalize the announcements. My bridal shower is being put together. He's working on designing our rings. We've decided where we're honeymooning. I've settled on my last day of work. We're itching to go!

As I write this, I've got the Military Channel's Alpha Company: Iraq Diary playing in the background. In a tiny way, just like Colbert Report's week in Iraq, it makes me feel a little closer to Brian. Is that weird?

man, that wall hurt

I hit a mental/emotional wall yesterday. I hit it hard. Hard enough that I was still feeling the impact today.

It's not easy having Brian gone. It's really not easy having him gone while I plan our wedding, finish our registry, look for announcements (what color/font/design/etc?), continue to pack my apartment and make trips to the storage unit, plan our drive across the country, and figure out where we're going to live. This entire experience has been HARD. It's lonely. It's frustrating. It's made me angry. It's made me cry myself to sleep every night. It's also made me appreciate the little things in whole new ways: figuring out how to "text" each other made me jump for joy; two little, mundane, common words have so much meaning and make me feel safe; seeing my name in his handwriting on a greeting card makes my heart soar; and any laugh we share on precious phone calls are priceless.

We've crossed the halfway mark! It is a HUGE land mark. It was so great to realize that we're on the downward slope, but it was also disheartening to think that I had to go it all again. We're halfway through! Oh, we're only halfway through. But the things waiting for us on the other end are so exciting and full of promise and joy and I can not wait for the moment he walks off that plane and wraps his arms around me. There are times when that image is what keeps me going. We're almost there, my love.

For Brian.

i'm avoiding things.

I am in love with Google Calendar, especially the task list. How great is it to virtually cross things off a list?!

I think tonight I'll sort through my shoes and really get rid of the shoes I don't wear anymore and don't feel like moving. And if you think about it, it's just charitable for me to give my shoes to Good Will; my shoes will continue to cheer women once they've been released from my closet.

Brian scored Grey's Anatomy seasons 1 - 5 (yes, including the season that just ended last month) on DVD and shipped it back. LOVE.

I'm currently obsessing about finding a decent Mexican restaurant in the Newport News/Hampton, VA area. Suggestions?

The moving boxes stacked in my living room are starting to make me twitchy.

details and TV talk

First, the details.

Brian (AFB...I guess I don't need to be discreet about it any more) and I have been talking about getting married for a long time, since sometime in December really, and the move has been on our radar since late January. Everything came together very quickly in the last two weeks. So here are the details of our wedding:

• From Day ONE, we've wanted a small, private ceremony, just us. And that's exactly what we're getting. Us, my parents and sister at the courthouse. Then we're disappearing for a week.
• I don't have a dress yet but I have the shoes! (Would you expect ANYTHING less from me?!)
  
• I am in the process of getting us registered and it may very well have been the happiest I've been since Brian left.
  
• We're toying with the idea of having a joint reception/going away party. Or not. We'll see.
• I can't wait to be his wife.
  

Second, TV Talk:

• The Fashion Show: GONG!
• HGTV's $250,000 Challenge: awesome
• The Colbert Report from Iraq: I desperately wanted to see Brian on there, but alas

ANOTHER really big announcement!

Are you ready for it?











We're getting married!

it's a really big announcement!

I'm very excited to finally share with you, all five or six of you that still read this, our BIG EXCITING NEWS!



Drum roll please...


After AFB gets home...


..we're moving! We're picking up stakes, packing up my apartment and the storage unit and heading across the country. After the deployment is over, his next assignment will be at Langley Air Force Base in Hampton, VA, and we're both very excited about getting a fresh start there together.

This has been a LONG.TIME.COMING. The opportunity first arose while he was in DC working the inauguration. Back in January. For about a month, we really thought things would fall right into place quickly and he'd get out of the deployment. But, obviously, that didn't work out, through no fault of his own. There were a lot of paperwork and personnel and other issues that I don't fully understand, that prevented it from happening before March. So, off he went to predeployment training. Again, there was a teeny glimmer of hope that things could happen and he'd not have to go to Iraq. And again, things didn't work out and he continued on to the Middle East. He's been working on getting a new assignment whenever he's had a spare second, and after a lot of back and forth, and thinking that we'd be going to Oklahoma City and then Waldorf, MD, and then nowhere. And everytime we'd get an inkling that we had an answer and a new future home, we'd fall short - it was REALLY starting to wear on me. On both of us. But finally, FINALLY, we found out this week that we're all set and ready to go to Hampton, our first choice!

For months we've been looking at places to live in each of the possible destination cities, but our favorite place was always in Hampton. He's already working on lining up an apartment for us there. He's also moving headlong into the many, many other details that need to fall into place: outprocessing at Hill, lining up movers, arranging to ship my car, other personal details, etc. etc. etc.

I am so excited to start this new chapter of our life together. Although I'll be changing EVERYTHING in my life (leaving the only city I've lived in, leaving my job of 16 years, leaving my apartment of 10 years, leaving my friends and family), I have absolutely no fears or anxiety about any of it. AFB and I belong together, he is Home, the love of my life, The One, and I can't imagine my life without him. I am SO EXCITED!

And you know, Virginia IS for lovers.

milestone!

100 days left! We've reached a big milestone. We've made it through our the first three months apart. We're almost at the halfway point. So close!

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you rush to the nearest multiplex and see Up. Now. Go. It's funny, it's sweet. I laughed, a lot. I cried, three times. It's very, very good.

I'm still not completely sold on The Fashion Show. I'm really trying though.

oh girl, don't ask me that

I think my upstairs neighbors are skateboarding. Nice. Can you believe I've lived in this apartment for 10 years? When I first moved in, the building and grounds were well maintained, the tenants were all young professionals, and the whole place just seemed to shine. Over the years, the building management has changed several times, and the quality of the tenants has...changed. My lease is up at the end of the year, and AFB and I will be finding a new place to live. I'll miss this apartment, though. But more on that later.

I'm really, really trying to get into the Fashion Show. But...I don't know. I like some of the characters/designers, I LOVE Isaac Mizrahi, I like the concept. But...it's not quite there yet.

I've finally jumped on the Pandora bandwagon. Um, I'm in serious like with it.

While out and about on Saturday, I was wandering through Barnes & Noble (a favorite activity of ours) and picked up this book. I always like books with pictures, but one of the photos in this book SHOOK ME. I stood in the aisle, tears streaming down my face. I put the book back, bought some shiny happy magazines and left. However, two hours later, that photo was still haunting me. I thought that if I bought the book and filled in the rest of the story, the photo wouldn't haunt me anymore. So I did, and read it in two days. And now I'm OK. I did, however, make AFB repromise me to come home alive and in one piece.

I'm ready for him to be home.

things i currently love (in no particular order)

sharing homewares ideas with AFB via email

skype's (generally) crystal clear connection for our daily wake up call (0900 where he is, midnight here)

sleeping with the window wide open, nestled under blankets

talking about our life together in terms of decades, not years

a fresh stack of pretty, glossy magazines

baked Tostitos Scoops tortilla chips and super spicy salsa

perfectly predictable cotton candy movies like Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

making it 1/3 of the way through the deployment without needing antidepressants (seriously, this is a BIG ONE)

catching up

Sweet baby moses, Lost!

Grey's Anatomy was emotionally exhausting during the second half of the season. The obvious reasons of Izzie and George are a given. There's another obvious reason, at least for me. The subplot of Major Hottie (Owen) and the whole "emotionally wounded returning Iraq war vet" thing...ugh. Call me cheesy or overly sentimental, but I never let any conversation (IM, SAT phone, email) with AFB end without telling him how much he means to me and that I love him. Because you really never know what the next minute is going to hold, do you? And OMG, I loved the scene between Meredith and Derek where they exchanged their vows. Tears STREAMED down my face. Can't wait til next season.

I totally stole this idea from one of my favorite blogs, Adventures in Renovating a Brooklyn Limestone. She surfed the Life photo archives for photos to print and use in her bedroom. I plan on doing the same thing, but using them in a bathroom or hallway. Maybe even in our bedroom, but I worry that may be too heavy-handed for us.

AFB and I are still waiting for details to be finalized on our BIG LIFE-CHANGING NEWS. And once that's done, I promise to share.

We've got less than 120 days left. Yay!

you know what?

Geek Squad has, so far, disappointed me. Twice.

Oreo Stix are insanely good.

Condescendingly telling me, 'Well, you knew you'd have to be separated a lot when you fell in love with AFB, so you should just be OK with it' is neither helpful nor soothing.

Wait to go, winner of ANTM. And way to go, runner up. Excellent exit interview.

AFB sent me the most perfectly sweet gift two weeks ago. I loved my afternoon of shopping at Nordstrom. Thanks, Love.

If I could - and if it would help - I would throw myself at the feet of The Powers That Be and beg for AFB to come home now. I miss him so very, very much, and I vehemently hate this deployment.

Grey's has knocked it out of the park this season. I laugh and cry every week. And I so love Major Hottie.

You know that feeling you get when you narrowly miss being in an accident? That full body tense up? Yeah, that's how I Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I was scared, more scared than I'd been since AFB left the States. And today, with things back to "normal," I am emotionally wiped out. I'm ready for the last 120+ days to be over NOW.

Seriously, Oreo Stix. Get 'em.

things change so quickly

The last two weeks have been a lot better. We've settled into a routine, the days are going by more quickly, and I've really felt like I had a handle on things.

But not right now. Right now I feel like I'm on pins and needles. I've been fighting a lump in my throat since lunch. I am terrified of my phone ringing with anything other than his ringtone. I am scared. And I am holding onto promises like they're my lifeline.

Tonight, for the first time in weeks, I'm taking a sleeping pill. I'll take my sleeping pill, wrap myself in his sweatshirt and cry myself to sleep.

wednesday

We've settled into a routine, and the days seem to drag less. I've adjusted pretty well to my new sleep schedule. We're this close to some incredible, life-changing news. That is all.

huh.

Look. I KNOW that given the present circumstances, AFB and I have things pretty damn good. I KNOW THAT. I know our daily communication is a great deal more than many couples get. I KNOW THAT. I know that he's alive and well and in five short months he'll be home. I KNOW THAT.

I'll be the first to admit that it has been a HUGE adjustment having him gone, and that I have always trended toward the negative view of things.

Being in happy, healthy relationship is new to me. Being in a happy, healthy relationship with a man that is halfway around the world, IS NEW TO ME. I don't know how else to work my way through this and learn than by just doing it and talking it out.

Since having my "a-ha" moment about being a Glass Half Empty Girl, I have made a concerted effort to be more positive about things. I'm not having spontaneous crying jags. I'm doing better. But apparently, I have a long way to go. Sorry, every one.

thoughts. just thoughts.

• I'm still frustrated with my job. I'm disappointed.
• It is physically tiring to carry around Missing Him and the stress of our constant chaos. It makes me tired. All the time.
• AFB continues to exceed all of my expectations. He makes me happy every day, even when we're half a world apart. I love that I get to be loved by him.
• I think he and I are this close to finally getting some news we've been waiting for for MONTHS. This thing has been swirling and churning for a while and once we know, I'll share. Once we know, one way or the other, I'll tell you all about it.
• One of the things I'm most excited about for his return is the lack of a countdown. We've been counting down to something, several things, since we first met and I want to NOT be counting down for a while. I want us to just BE.
  
• OMG you guys. I miss him.
• Rescue Me is crazy good - I'm so glad it's back! And Lost and Grey's are both just amazing. I love TV lately.

embracing the glass

I am really not sure that I will survive the rest of the deployment if I can't somehow improve my outlook. I have always been a glass half-empty girl, and that kind of thinking, that "OMG, here's everything we're not able to do together right now" isn't productive and isn't healthy. It doesn't help AFB. It hurts us both. So, what to do? Baby steps, people. I'm going to focus on being a "oh look, there's a glass" kind of girl. A very wise coworker put it to me this way today, 'just embrace the journey.' It's a slightly more positive version of my current mantra, 'whatever it takes to get through the day.' Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

empty

I'm feeling pretty emotionally empty tonight and feel I don't have much to offer anyone. I know there's a lesson or two to be learned through of all this, but at the moment I'm pretty hard pressed to see it.

I want the man I love to be home with me, not halfway around the world in a war zone. I want to be able to talk to him with a clear connection for more than five minutes. I want to know with a degree of certainty where we're going to live after he gets home - Virginia? Oklahoma? Maryland? Texas? I want to sleep through the night and not have unsettling dreams. I want to read the paper and watch the news again. I want him home NOW.

sunday six

1. One month down, five to go.
2. This weekend I bought a total body balance ball kit. So far, I really like it.
3. I'm still working on adjusting to my new sleep schedule.
4. At AFB's request, I wrote down all of my fears and worries and sent them in today's email. It was actually kind of freeing, and only a little scary.
5. I find it deeply disappointing that we aren't able to use the webcams. I miss his smile, the smile he saves just for me.
6. I'm currently reading J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan. It's really good...what are you reading?
   

first month complete

AFB pointed out today that I haven't posted on here much lately. The reason, I said, was that I write so much in his daily emails - about what my day was like, how I am feeling, whatever else pops in my head - that I haven't felt like rehashing it here in a more censored version. But here goes anyway.

The last few days have been frustrating. As a girlfriend, I have absolutely no rights or privileges. I have no rights to information or support. I should have no expectation of information or support. I currently feel extremely, achingly lonely and adrift. I can not possibly expect my friends and family to alter their lives to make sure I have something to do or someone to spend time with every second of the day. I don't really have anyone in my life that is going through this, too. Yes, the girlfriend of one of the guys that works for AFB and I are acquaintances, but she lives 45 minutes away and works on the base...she has a network of empathetic souls. Before he left, AFB put my name and number on the shop's list of deployed significant others, presumably so they'd call periodically and check on me. Technically, they don't have to check on me because I am, according to the Air Force, a second class citizen. But you know what? It would be really nice if someone up there called to say, 'Hey, we know you're important to AFB, and that the situation TOTALLY SUCKS. We just wanted to let you know we're here and are in your corner.' He's been gone two months and I haven't received one call. In fact, the day I called up there and asked them to call AFB and give him a message, they acted like a) they didn't know how, and b) it was a major inconvenience. Thanks!

I constantly feel like I'm mucking my way through a whirling dervish of chaos with no direction or end point. I am so very not in control of anything right now - where he'll work when he comes home, where we'll live when he comes home, WHEN he comes home - and that lack of control and constant chaos and temporary routines is starting to really wear on me mentally and emotionally. I constantly vacillate between feeling raw and overly emotionally stimulated, and being completely numb and apathetic. It's EXHAUSTING. I'm really, really counting on the next couple months to even out. Now that we're finally on a schedule, and I can try to get my body go adapt to my new (ha ha, temporary!) sleep schedule, we can settle into some tedium and monotony. And I'm totally cool with that.

So, in a nutshell, that's how I'm feeling right now. I am lonely, I miss him so much I can't catch my breath at times, I am frustrated and feel a little abandoned.* The end.



*make no mistake, my feelings of abandonment are not in any way directed at AFB, so don't even go there

take the challenge

here.

still adjusting

OMG, I miss AFB so much that at times I think it's going to squeeze every last ounce of air from my lungs.

I think we're finally settling into a communications groove. He is nine hours ahead of me (I really wish it were an even number like 10 or 0) and our new schedule looks something like this (all times are MDT):

• 12:30 AM: AFB wakes up & texts Urban Princess to wake her up; they either IM or Google Talk for a bit; he goes to work and she goes back to sleep
• 7:15 AM: UP gets up
• 8:15 AM: UP arrives at work
  
• 8:15 - 11:30 AM: emails are exchanged
• 1:30ish PM: AFB arrives back in his room and has a short IM conversation with UP; he goes to bed
• 9:30 PM: UP goes to bed
• repeat daily

I'm struggling at work right now. I thought that my job would be my refuge again, as it has been so many times in my 16 years there. I thought it would give me something else to focus on for nine hours a day. Instead, however, it has become a place I dread...I'd much rather spend my days at home reading, refinishing furniture, wandering around stores, looking at houses, etc. I was not expecting this.

Some potential good news we received last week is that his replacement is scheduled to arrive nearly two and a half weeks early. Yahoo! If everything goes as scheduled* that means we may essentially gain almost a month, making it only four months and change still to go instead of five and change. Cross your fingers, pray, do a dance, whatever floats your boat to support us please.

I think I'm over The Office. I'm loving The Unusuals and Southland.

I miss him every second of the day.


*if only the military used civilian logic and time tables

three weeks in

Need a little pick-me-up? Check out this blog. Awesome.


I really struggled through this week. My emotions have run the gamut from anger and frustration to sadness and defeat. My anger was directed at the situation, not at AFB. I was angry that he has to be there, on his fourth tour, when there are many others in his field that haven't been there at all. I was angry about things that we had to get through before he left. I was angry that technically the Air Force isn't at war - it's a ground war, afterall - and yet he and so many others from Hill AFB were there. I was angry at myself for not being as supportive of him as I should be. I was angry about so many things. I was sad that there are so many days still ahead that we have to be so far apart, and that I won't feel like I'm home again until he returns. And finally, I felt defeated...like the deployment had won and we lost. Defeated because no amount of throwing things or slamming doors or sobbing on the floor will change the situation. This is just a part of his job that sucks, and we just have to endure it. Hopefully by the time he returns, things will have fallen into place to send us elsewhere.

I am not naive. I know terrible things happen to good people every day. I know that people experience loss and pain and unimaginable things. Honestly, I know that this seven month deployment, in the big scheme of things, is not that cataclysmic . But to me, to us, it is a big deal. This is our life, our situation, and it's hard for both of us. We're getting through it, one day at a time, and some days are much harder than others.

one day at a time

Yesterday SUCKED. SUCKED HARD. Yesterday was full of ANGRY TEARS OF FURY. I threw all my anger at AFB's feet, and he knew exactly how to calm me down. Better yet, he still loves me.

Today these were delivered to my office:
My favorite flowers from my beloved AFB.